Over the years I’ve recognized that my ability to turn to God (or turn within) as a means of calming my disturbance hasn’t always been automatic. In the beginning I was a bit hard-headed, and full of fear, seeking to find solutions that ‘made sense’ or wouldn’t necessarily require complete surrender (for fear of losing something I treasured). Eventually, I would find my way back to understanding that being at peace was more important to me than winning at the game of life.
Now, such battles aren’t my main occupation. Yet I am aware that at times I tend to become a bit spiritually lazy and take for granted my interior state of calm and serenity. This recently raised the question in me of where is my internal ‘default’? If something came up, something that had my back pressed to the wall, where would I land? Not that I want to create a crisis in my life, but I had a curiosity about my level of trust and faith.
Instead of waiting (or creating) a crisis, or borrowing trouble to ‘test’ myself, I’ve decided to practice the ‘art of surrender’, the art of releasing my grip moment by moment, of tuning into my internal state to see where I might be in contraction, in resistance, on guard. Then use my mind (that God created/gifted) not for the purpose of finding a solution, but to focus completely, fully, onto my own presence – to focus on being present to my spirit breathing in and out, and how close I am to the inner stream of life source, of my consciousness with Source.
Then if something were to arise, something that hits hard and shoves me against the wall, I will only be a hairs breath away from slipping into the stream because my focus has been there all along.